petty patty

“Hi my name is Petty, like Patty but with an e and today’s my first day at Confessions of An Anonymous. Thanks for having me… Um yeah…”

“Thank you so much for coming today Patty!”

“It’s Pe-”

“We’re so happy to have you. What seems to be on your mind?”

“Well, yeah. Um. I just came to say… I’m having trouble nowadays with acting… appropriately. I’ve never really been vindictive but somehow I’ve found myself lashing out at people in small ways. Some might call it passive aggressive or… I can’t remember the other word but you get my point.”

“Could you elaborate, Ms. Patty?”

“Well one time my friend didn’t tell me that I had something stuck in my teeth. I was annoyed at him, naturally, so I snuck into his house and cut holes in like 3… or 7 of his jeans. Then this other time when my girlfriend told me that she didn’t like the way I made her eggs in the morning, I took her toothbrush and gently dipped it in the toilet to see if she liked the taste of that better.”

“I see…. that is quite…”

“And another time, one of my friends and I were sharing an order of fries. She’s the one who asked if we could split when I had bought them, so, being the awesome friend I am, let her have some. But she ended up eating the majority of the fries! So I decided to send 51 potatoes to her house. You know that spud delivery program they made recently? Man the things that Quickstarter can do for you. Crowd funding is a miracle worker.”

“Yes… well Ms. Patty, thank you so mu-”

“Wait there’s one more. There was this one lady that I met and I told her explicitly that my name is Petty but she kept calling me Patty. So when she got up to go to the restroom before our meeting, I stuck some melted gum I had left in my car on her seat. I hope that beautiful pencil skirt of hers doesn’t get ruined.”


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